He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
