i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
