you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
