I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
