I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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