I met the friendliest cop last night
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
