he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize