I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
