all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize