if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
