She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize