Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
