On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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