we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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