i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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