I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
