the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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