I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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