He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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