I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
