i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
