Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
