I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
