I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
