today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
