Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
