You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
