You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
