I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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