he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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