I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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