stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize