I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
