Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
