U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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