i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
