No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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