i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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