jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
