Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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