I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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