no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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