I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i now understand why vodka
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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