6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Vodka?
Forever.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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