I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize