I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i drank out of a bidet.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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