can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
