So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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