Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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