so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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