We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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