If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I did not marry a roomba.
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