Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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