Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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