Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
