and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
