It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
