I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
