It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So squirting runs in the family.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
