i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
