if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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