Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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