Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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