Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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