I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
